I’ve been trying to think of the best way to share my heart all day, and I think it’s nestled here in a blog post. But in order for you to understand we need to go back a couple years … ready? January 2020 NYE I was praying and I had a very specific vision. I saw a nursery, a rocking chair and a cradle. There was a demon in the rocking chair and his hand was rocking an old wooden white cradle. I peered in the cradle to see an old-fashioned white church. The spirit whispered to me “satan has rocked my church to sleep”. I got done praying and felt like I could charge hell with a squirt gun, and I was ready to send a wake up call to the church!
Fast forward a few days, I planned & executed a giant woman’s event (with the help of a fabulous team) and stood in amazement on the stage as I looked out to see over 1,000 women in the sanctuary, anxious for a move of God. I knew God was preparing me for something, this felt like only the beginning. i was ready, or so I thought. As my pregnancy with Jesse wrapped up towards the end of 2020 I had a another Very specific vision while praying, I sought wise counsel and fasted, and felt that I needed to step away from the womens ministry I was leading at the time. I was confused as to why the lord wanted me to step away, but I knew he had a purpose, so out of obedience I stepped down. how many people know that you dont always understand Gods methods?
Jesse (our third child) came in the fall and before I knew it, it was NYE again. I went to prayer to ask the lord for his vision for me for the year and I felt supercharged y’all. The lord told me to go forward, to run, and to do all that he put on my heart to do. Now was the time. I wanted to ask him if he realized that I had a newborn and two other small children, but I assumed he knew, and trusted him anyways.
as I began to plan Bible studies and walk out this pull to walk in ministry things began to shift In nearly every area of my life. The shifting led to fasting and prayer, then more prayer and more fasting. i felt so alone yet so complete. Sometimes I seemed to glean specific instruction from the lord in my prayer time and other times I felt like I was following a silent master. Yet through it all the spirit seemed to chant “just trust me. Keep going. Just trust me”
steps forward felt heavy. In fact some steps forward actually felt like steps backwards. The Lord specifically wanted to know in my 31st year of life if I trusted what he said, and if I believed the call he’d placed on my life.
It’s easy to say yes - that you believe these things when there is a sanctuary full of 1,000+ women cheering. But what happens when no one is left? When there’s no cheering sanctuary? When it’s just you and Jesus, tears streaming down your face in the shower as you beg God to rip desires from your heart that aren’t his. Yet instead of the desires fading, they burn that much brighter. There’s joy in knowing the plan of God for your life, but sometimes it’s heavy, lonely and hard.
In what seemed like the turning of a page the door of opportunity seemed to burst open. Confirmations came, favor met me, and my confidence began to slowly rise. I noticed that my prayer time was less about scheduling time in the closet, and more about having a conversation with God all day long. I had gotten to the point that I didn’t even want to get out of the bed if I wasn’t doing it for his glory. year 31 taught me that there’s nothing good in me, and unless the Holy Spirit Invades my every moment, I make no eternal effect. and that’s not a story worth writing in my book.
I started CKM, planed a retreat, went to said retreat and just sat in amazement at the moving of God, and then felt to plan an old fashioned revival service to take place in January, shortly after the new year. (I’m beginning to notice a trend..)
This blog post isn’t to brag, or even to whine. It’s to encourage you to continue pressing in to the dreams and desires from the Lord even when he asks you to do things you don’t understand, because it’s all for a bigger purpose. Even when your Current situation doesn’t look like the promised land. Even when you feel defeated, lonely or confused. I’ve learned people are fickle, and emotions cannot be trusted. The only truth we can build our life on is the word of God, and our conversations with him. that’s all folks.
Remember the Israelites? Their journey to the promised land could have been a short one— but the Lord needed to get some Egypt mentality out of his kids so that they could not only walk into the promised land, but so that they could possess it. I truly believe the Lord will show us the promise, so that we have the fuel to keep going in the midnight hour. And the process from the pit to the promised land is an intentional one. Because once you get to the promise, you need to be ready. and they dont call it “the pit“ for nothing folks…year 31 nearly took me under (more of those details on mental warfare later..) but the view on the other side of the valley.. so worth it.
This was the year I found my lane. it was also the year I decided that it didn’t matter what my lane looked like, and it didn’t matter if I was in my lane by myself … if God was for me, that’s all I needed. essier said than done .. trust that LOL I discovered the power of agreement in a marriage devoted to seeing the heart of God. I saw the significance of fasting and spiritual warfare. I realized the sheer terror of the enemy once a Child of God truly discovers who they were created to be. I felt the love of the father in the little things, like bringing me the right people at the right moment. I witnessed favor that wasn’t fair and I am humbled to have been at the receiving end.
All that being said, 31 was a doozy. But the lessons it taught me will be irreplaceable. I believe the hardest year of my life to date will seed the greatest harvest. what you sow in tears you will reap in joy ..amen?
well - here’s to year 32!
a year of advancing, learning, gleaning, and speaking of his goodness every chance I can get.
thanks for sticking around 😘
here’s to us!