Today, right there in the middle of Dillards, I started to cry.
Great question - but it's a loaded one. Got a few minutes?
Perfect, lean in.
Have you ever been so broken that you've forgotten to dream? So sideswiped by life, so taken back by a turn of events, so much at a loss for words that dreaming was the last thing on your mind? Forget having a vision for the future, you were just trying to survive in the moment. yup. That's where I found myself earlier this year. In fact I haven't even typed a blog post, or written in my journal in 9 months. Writing is my love language. So the fact that I have been absent from this treasured part of my life says something. But God speaks in the most perfect ways, and nudge after nudge he reminds us that he is still in control.
About a month ago I attended a few conferences back to back. One conference in particular brought a dynamic preacher who talked about the magnificent way that God writes our story, and how nothing is left up to chance. Everything in the believer works to their good. The more she preached, the more a hard casing around my heart began to melt away. Maybe I am alone in this but often when I walk through heartache I like to close off from others. Now- I know Biblically we are to surround ourselves with others in the faith so that they can cover us, and speak over us at our weak moments. And praise God I had a couple of those friends, but mostly I was shutting off. As the anointing began to flow, my heart began to heal. Then at a service the following week Doc Renfro spoke about Dreaming with God.
The spirit hit me like a ton of bricks and the Lord said "you have forgotten to dream with me". Y'all - I was almost apaulled. At first I rejected the thought, and he continued "you have been so focused on surviving, that you have forgotten to dream with me. It's time to dream again"
Tears began to pour down my face. He was right. In my wilderness season I became so focused on making it out, that I forgot to continue dreaming big, and praying bigger. Something that I didn't realize until just now was that the Lord missed dreaming with me. Isn't that something?
The Lord loves to spend time with us, in our every detail, our every moment, the things we hope for, the desires we pray for -- He is not bothered by it, He longs for it. wow.. what a mighty Savior we have..
I made a vision board, and I began to pray over it.The Lord is speaking to me so much about the importance of a vision, the faith to believe and the courage to write it down. That was the hardest part of this dreaming with the Lord again, writing it down. why?
Because there is a shift in the atmosphere that happens when we write the vision, and make it plain (Hab.2) and the enemy cannot stand it. So, if he can keep you from dreaming Big crazy God dreams, he will. And he will certainly keep you from writing them down. dont worry, I'm going somewhere - stay with me.
I have to share that in the middle of this wilderness season the Lord brought blessing after blessing just when I needed it. Whether it was a phone call from a friend, a text, an email from a subscriber encouraging me to keep pressing or a message on social media from a stranger asking me how to walk closer with God, the Lord continued to remind me that He is my source. Never push aside the nudge to reach out to a friend, the Holy Ghost loves to work through his kids, you never know who you will bless.
A long time ago the Lord spoke to me about the desert. He showed me the cactus, and told me that there was water inside. Now- I thought he was pulling my leg so I took to Google ... sure enough ..! Then the Lord said see, even in the middle of death and dry bones I still have water for my kids. shew. Can you relate? Have you felt the heat of a battle? Have you longed for living water?
In the middle of a Bible study earlier this year the ladies in my group asked to pray over me. I was humbled and stepped into the circle ⭕️ As they began to pray the spirit of the Lord overshadowed me so strong I fell forward, and kneeled as they continued to lay hands on me and pray. I had a vision.
I was walking in a wasteland, a desert. In the vision I stopped, hit my knees and cried out "Dont leave me, Lord! Don't bring me this far to leave me! Where are you Lord?"
Before I continue you should know that there may be seasons in your life, that you do not hear the voice of God as clear as you did before. But this doesn't mean He left. In my personal experience, His silence wasn't betrayal... He wanted to see if I trusted Him.
As I saw myself in the vision, I looked exhanusted. Barely enough strength to stand. I cried and cried. Then my point of view panned out, and I saw that Jesus was standing ahead of me. Facing me with his hand out, beaconing me to come forward.
I haven't left you, I will never leave you, you know that.
He beaconed me forward with his hand again and said these two words - Trust me.
My vision stopped, I wiped my tears and stood up, hurried over to my journal and wrote everything down.
You would think that after this vision I started writing that book the Lord spoke to me about, or that I planned another big event ... but I didn't. My spirit knew I needed to Trust Jesus, and walk forward. But my flesh was still broken and hurt. That is life - and sometimes we have to remind ourselves that we dont live my feelings, we live by truth.
I pray that this post, this real talk helps you to see that wilderness seasons come, and they go. That Jesus feels near, and other days he may feel far -- but our promise remains. Which promise? The one that He will never leave us, or forsake us. That he sticks closer than a brother, That He is near to the brokenhearted. That He gives beauty for ashes, that He makes a way in the wilderness and streams in the desert. And that what He started.... He will perform... so long as we don't quit.
What dream has God planted in you?
What vision have you forgot to write down? What desire for the kingdom do you have that feels too big? Where do you need healing?
Today I cried in the middle of Dillards. Because my sweet thoughtful friend gave me this journal. She said that new seasons should have new journals. As I read the front cover I just cried, and then I cried again when I got to the car, and again when I got home.
Did you notice what it said? "Dream bigger journal" Now, I have to let you in on a little secret for you to understand all the tears. Not only have I had to silence every voice besides Jesus in this last season as I asked Him to search my heart and only allow His dreams for me to remain.... Not only have I had to sell myself on the idea of CKM (because we can be our worst critic)... but at the CKM Retreat in September the Lord spoke to me through Rebecca Mosley and said "The Lord said your slogan may be dream big, but He said dream bigger"
Today I needed a boost, and the Lord gave one through the hands of a friend, and it sparked me to reunite with the paper and pen, and to come back to the keyboard and chat with you. And I am SO glad I did.
I'm on the other side of the wilderness season, and that is something to shout about. And I pray it gives you hope, if you happen to find yourself there.
Am I telling you all this to brag? umm, no.
In fact I would much rather let you believe that everyone is a big fan and life is honkey dory. But - that isn't reality. Reality is sometimes you have to get alone with Jesus, let dead things fall off, water seeds, fast more than you eat, and spend more time on your knees than on your feet. But know what happens when we do that? We get stronger, and we can hear the Lord a little more clearer. I am telling you this because the same God that is asking me to dream bigger, is the same God that is asking you to dream bigger.
The same God that didn't leave me in my wilderness is the same God that is beaconing you forward, and asking you to trust Him.
The same God that speaks to me in the still small voice, is the same one that will speak to you.
While the wilderness refines us, sometimes it can cause our dreams to lay dormant. But today I am coming to speak life to those dreams. In Jesus name - come forth.
XO Crystal K